Updated: Oct 11
🚩 Sensitive Topic/Post 7 months ago this was my life. Everyday was a bad day, every moment was a struggle. I didn't want to live, I hated my life. I resented the journey I was on. Weak, alone and broken i got up every morning and was up all night just trying to hold it together. For nearly 9 months I battled prenatal depression and then I had sweet Noah and everything got 20x worse. I don't know how, but by the grace and strength of God that I got through. I was sooo close to killing myself, every day for the past 6-7 months after birth. This is/was the lowest I have ever gotten in my life and of course I never wanted it to show. Honestly i was so upset that that i had to go through this, because it was soo hard. I was diagnosed with Severe Depression, Anxiety, PTSD and OCD. That was a tough pill to swallow. If you're close to me, you know how much hearing all that killed me. A failure is what I felt like. After a few failed attempts of taking my life, I felt even more like a failure. Eventually I ended up staying in the psychiatric care at the hospital for a few days. And as upset as I was to be there. The experience was eye opening. And I will always be thankful for the individuals I met, and for my eyes being opened during my stay.
Afterward I still struggled daily, but It was getting a but easier... but still, I couldn't wear a shirt in public that said "please be kind this is everything I'm going through." I was just looked at the same as everyone else. I didn't have off days with the kids, and my stubborn behind was still trying to work and bring in income even at 2 months postpartum because I don't like to feel weak...
Through it all, the biggest lesson I learned was that I was not created to do this on my own. I was so used to depending on myself because ya girl got major trust issues... God was opening my eyes and heart in a different way. He was taking my clenched fist and saying "let me in". I've never heard from God so much in my life. I've learned to lean on him and the holy spirit and almost daily say, "I cant do this on my own". Of course God knows that, but the reminder is more so for me. So I can reset and remember Courtney, you cant do any of this on your own. I dont even want to make a PB&J without his help now. 2018/2019 has revealed and showed so much. And Depression I am THANKFUL for you. 💗
To my family, I love you. And I sorry if this is super sensitive to you or anyone. But it's real, this is/was me. I'm so much better today, but still growing and taking it one day at a time. All thanks to God for his healing and grace like a flood. Shout out to Transformation Church and Elevation Church for being my church home when I felt isolated and didn't want to leave the house.
If you're stil reading, know that writing this took like of going back and first with God 😅 #stubbonbutlearning and lots of tears. Never be afraid to reach out. 💗